Structure vs Control
From SolVida’s Newsletter on March 27th, 2025.
In my January newsletter I wrote about the symbiotic relationship between structure and flow, landing on the next question: What is the difference between structure and control?
As I shared previously, I understand structure as the riverbanks that give direction to the flow of our lives. We need ever-changing structure to guide us; the flow of our lives shapes the structure we need. Some of us need more structure and some of us need less. Sometimes our need for structure changes based on what season of life we are in. Overall, for me, structure = support.
Until it slips into control.
The way I see it is that control is like damming a river or fighting against the current, which (trust me!) I’m familiar with in my life. As a human with perfectionistic and controlling parts of myself, I can sometimes try to redirect the flow of my life based on where I think it should go rather than where it is actually going or where it is actually aligned with my deepest self and values.
Therefore our question becomes:
How can we tell when we are fighting against or blocking the internal currents of our lives?
Or, in other words,
How can we tell when we are controlling rather than creating soulful structure?
I believe that our nervous systems clearly tell us the answers, when we are able to listen.
Although I studied the complexities of neuroscience for years, I’ve found Julie Colwell’s simple description of brain states to be the most helpful way to understand the nervous system. She shares that there are really two main brain states: reactive and creative.
Reactive brain is when we detect a threat, propelling our nervous system into a stress response.
Creative brain is when we feel safe and secure, allowing our nervous system to calm.
As human mammals our brains are wired to detect threat and then, if threat is detected, to shut off non-essential functioning in the brain (like decision making and sense-of-self) so that we can instead focus on survival. When our reactive brain takes over, we focus all of our energy toward creating safety as quickly as possible. Perceived control is a great way to create a sense of safety. This is why we can find ourselves making rigid rules for ourselves or others, obsessively cleaning the house again, telling our loved ones the “right way” to load the dishwasher, pushing away or clinging in relationships, stuffing down messy feelings, and, generally, blocking the flow of our lives. Our nervous system in reactivity is seeking safety and survival, nothing more.
This strategy works great in the short term; however, in the long term we cannot sustain a reactive state. We cannot fight upstream forever and a dam cannot be maintained into eternity, at least not without consequences.
Fighting against the flow of our lives takes more and more energy, exhausting us as we strive to maintain control.
However, if we can notice that we are in a reactive brain state then we have the opportunity to shift into creative brain and let go into flow once again.
Easier said than done, of course! Moving straight from control back into flow can be EXTREMELY challenging. What happens when we open the floodgates? Luckily for us, our bodies naturally want to regulate our reactivity and the stress response. When our nervous systems are calm, we have access to creative thinking, executive functioning like decision making, and our deeper sense of self. From this creative brain state we can create structures connected to our values and most authentic selves which direct us toward what we really want in our lives. Structure supports us, while control often blocks us.
Control comes from reactive brain; soulful structure comes from creative brain.
In a creative brain state we can tap back into the symbiotic relationship of structure and flow, water and riverbanks, following what wants to happen next knowing that it will guide us toward what we really want in our lives long term.
Recently I’ve found myself experiencing waves of profound struggle with regards to letting go of control internally as I’ve had big questions come up about the next chapters of my life. I've noticed once again how without at least some idea of where my life is directed I find it extremely challenging to surrender to flow. Therefore, I’m in the process of continually returning to creative brain so that I can again and again tweak the soulful structures that align with who I am at my core and what I truly want now and in my future. When I’m in a creative state I can relax into the flow of my excitement and curiosity for life. Instead of my mind being wrapped up in trying to control what will happen next, I find myself wondering: what is around the next bend in the river of my life?!
Here’s me on a recent river trip, wondering what is around the next corner!
For me the real lesson in all this is that the first step is to get back to creative brain, because from there anything is possible!
Here are some questions to ponder:
How do you know when you are in reactive brain? What are the signs?
What supports you to shift from a reactive brain state to a creative brain state?
How do you know when you are in creative brain?
What does controlling look like for you?
Where do you create soulful structure in your life?
I’d love to know what you comes up for you with these questions or to chat with you about any of this. Tossing around concepts and how they weave into our lives is one of my favorite things to do (and puts me into creative brain for sure!). Please drop me a line or give me a call. It would be a delight to hear from you!
With aliveness and appreciation,
Zoe
